I’m following up on this topic. There’s a certain sort of experience I need to talk about and there’s no one with which to talk about it; much like my the original Sex document. At some point I eluded to what I supposed could be termed my sexual behavior broadly. After reflection, I think I (organically) developed a propensity for something like what is now dubbed “gooning”, though never with that express intent. That is to say, prolonged sessions, sometimes lasting hours without reaching release until the end or whatever (mix of edging and just pacing). This wasn’t how it was initially, but certainly became the way of things around high school and beyond probably. It’s unclear to me how many hours and days and likely weeks of my life it absorbed; I often would feel an acute negative feeling afterwards partly in the normal way and partially because of all the time it consumed. I know I lost tons and tons of sleep this way. I really think it came from some underlying perfectionism at first; a need to find exactly the right thing to conclude with. Like it wouldn’t be right or worth it or something to climax while looking at / thinking of the wrong thing. As mentioned in the prior document, this would sometimes be connected with chatting online/sexting/rp which would go on for long periods of time late at night. This too shifted things in some underlying sense in that what seemed better / more real or right was interacting with someone else (rather than just porn). It was more dynamic and more dangerous/powerful as an experience. These long-sessions coupled with a desire for a partner would often cause some feelings of frustration / desperation at finding someone else to experience it with in order to make progress. I think somewhere else in the other prior document I talk about how finding someone else was originally on chat sites (omegle) but then later on dating apps just set to other regions where there were more individuals who were trying to either find a foreign guy or sell content or something. Between those few options, how else can you find someone who is willing to not only engage in sexting, but also kink/rp? It really didn’t feel great and was often fraught with scammers and the vague sense that you were taking advantage of someone (though it was usually the inverse). And in some sense, from a kink side, there was a desire to be taken advantage of… But really, what I really wanted was a long term partner who would be interested in this. It was rare to find that anywhere (particularly among people you know though). Sometimes it would come from a dating app in a way that actually lasted for weeks or months. The lead-up (for years, on and off actually) to one of my few, real relationships included some of this, but it was mix and sporadic. As I noted, the guilt would often curtail the whole process and connection at some point.