- During Third Impact I felt cold all of the time. I would walk around outside in the sun (after the first, terrible few weeks) or be under a blanket during the day. I think this is the result of anxiety. I cried more during the weeks around this time than in the rest of my life.
- I wanted so badly for someone to tell me things were going to be alright, but in this particular context, it just wasn’t possible. My friends, family, etc. could not confirm my salvation, let alone the afterlife.
- While walking outside, I would often be listening to audiobooks or debates on the topics of faith, deconstruction, etc.
- I deeply regret letting my family in on my doubts regarding my faith. It has caused them great distress. They asked me so many around the topic such as:
- If this [the Bible, etc.] isn’t true, then what is?
- How long have you felt this way?
- Will you talk to a pastor about this?
- Is this because of some sexual sin?
- Is this because you’re gay?
- Will you read this book (“I don’t have enough faith to be an Atheiest”)?
- Will you at least try praying / talking to God?
- Why do you think you know better than God? (In reference to Hell)
- As I began to come to grips with Third Impact, I spent a lot of time playing old Call of Duty games (nostalgic, distracting) while watching hundreds of hours of YouTube on the topic of issues with Christianity (Paulogia, Pinecreek, Dr. Bart Erhman) as well as debates around the topics (Capturing Christianity, Counsel of Trent, Dr. Joshua Rasmussen, The Majesty of Reason).
- At the very start, I listened to debates that were evenly matched, then later listened to more critiques of the faith but eventually realized that it left me without hope and I went more towards counters to the critiques. It’s obvious in hindsight, but strange in the moment, how the critiques were somewhat reassuring at first, but then once they had destroyed the Frameworks there was basically nothing there to cling to and left me with dread.