Deconstruction
It was a long time coming, but eventually theory becomes practice.
Despite my degree in philosophy, I feel that I failed as a philosopher. During my studies (and even before), I always played around with philosophical thought in the theoretical space far more than in the reality of my life. I carefully shielded myself from too deeply considering anything with existential import for fear it may lead to distress. This was likely more unconscious than conscious, but it happened nonetheless. I kept my loosely held Christian faith that I had been raised in and never investigated any of its critiques too deeply (or at least didn’t lend them much credence). Then came another bolt from the blue; an invitation to consider my newly broken dreams and newly found project in the light of my purported faith. I spoke too deeply with a family member about my growing numbness, and they asked how it was with my faith; the question stuck. How do I reconcile what I wanted from my dreams with it? If I were aligned with the good, I would be able to give over my desires, right? Furthermore, my LLM work clearly had a questionable moral quality about it, how could I keep doing that in good conscience? “But wait,” a voice in my mind said, “Why do you even believe that stuff anyway?” A valid question. One I had failed to really consider meaningfully for quite some time. I had been keeping up the pretense, but my reasons had long been left to disuse. And so began another spiral, the collapse of all my core frameworks. Driven by a mix of curiosity and a desire for some sort of absolution, I began to look for cracks in the fundamentals of my faith. It started simply at first; questions about hell. It was something that had always bothered me, but I always tamped it down. Now I read with fervor; starting, strangely enough, in places like 4Chan where I knew many degenerates dwell. Of course, they would know. I found many resources and avenues to explore, particularly on YouTube. I watched days’ worth of debates between Christians and atheists. Then I began to listen to what ex-evangelicals had to say, and then those within the “street epistemology” space. Of these, one of the strongest, most damaging things I encountered was historical criticism of Biblical accuracy. I had always assumed inerrancy; it’s what I was taught.`