A brief and sporadic history of my belief.
Early Life
- Raised in a Christian home, church every Sunday and most Wednesdays for my entire childhood.
- Was saved when I was 8 or 9; I’ve been told I was pretty thoroughly quizzed by the pastor on what it all meant and if I understood before I was allowed to be baptized.
- I recall being increasingly worried about sinning at this point; this would only intensify as I entered adolescence.
- Worse still, I developed an acute fear of being left behind. I lived for a long time with a low grade terror that everyone I knew would be taken away.
- Transitioned churches a little before I entered high school. This made me an outsider around the time I was taking belief as seriously as I ever did. While I made some friends, I ultimately felt alone while there.
High School
- Was involved in summer camps, church trips, and an apologetics class at this new church where I encountered things like What if you’re wrong and you die‽
- It was around this time (early high school) that I developed the twin aspects of seeing sin in others (allowing for a feeling of superiority) and the internal fear of any sin of my own being detected by anyone else. This internal conflict was vastly intensified with the inevitable increase in hormones and a rather rapid change in my view of the opposite sex; I suddenly believed that any time I looked a girl with any sort of appreciation of their appearance, I was likely committing the sin of lust.
- I would feel intense guilt, but an inability to express it to anyone I knew for fear of them knowing my flaws.
- Subsequently, with all of these internal sins, I was constantly worried that my salvation was in jeopardy.
- I was generally very busy in the latter half of high school, but because I attended a Christian school there was no shortage of interaction with the subject of faith; youth retreats, chapel days, Bible class, etc. While generally a model student, I often butted heads with my teachers for their rigidity and dogmatism.
- It was in high school that I often would reveal in my own moral superiority, being that I was a rule-follower and gifted student. Being morally right is even better than just being right in general.
- It was also in high school that I really figured out what power felt like. I had a few opportunities which gave me a real glimpse into what it felt like and I suddenly understood why it was so desired.
- I believe that it was around this time that I developed subconscious internal coping methods for the guilt I would feel, particularly when in church. If I could think about something else during the message, I could avoid giving my brutal inner critic the ammo to spiral me down into the deep pit of guilt in my chest for whatever mental infraction I might have fallen prey to.