Hi Parker, I hope this letter finds you well. I’ll start by saying that you have a great channel and produce great content. It’s always wonderful to find folks like you who are thoughtful and fair in their discourse, particularly in the philosophical space. To be forthcoming though, it has been a while since I watched much (of anything) and why will become clear shortly.
I’ll try to keep the background to this as brief as I can, but it’s a bit of a tale. Early last year, I entered a sudden slump in my life; some might call it a quarter life crisis. A rapid onset of anxiety as the world lost its magic for me and I had to square with the fact that my dreams and fantasies would never be realized. This led to a period of panic attacks and on and off depression which lasted for months until eventually culminating in a rather bad breakdown. This breakdown was precipitated by questions of my underlying belief. Despite having a degree in philosophy myself, I had failed to self-examine in ways that would ever threaten my core beliefs. I now believe this was subconsciously intentional as a protection against existential dread or doubt. I was raised Christian and had professed faith when young, and later did again as a teen, but now, at this juncture, began to really seriously ask questions. They flowed from the new disillusionment; if my will were really aligned with God’s, I wouldn’t be clinging to my own dreams, thus I must be misaligned and would have to change my thinking/dreams. This led to questions about the consequence of such misalignment, hell (which I read about for many days), and then the question of why I should be aligned at all and why I believed it all was true. Some part of me sought absolution and a freedom from having to worry about it at all (as I have always suffered a bit from what I think people call scrupulosity).
This part of me got its wish as I delved deeply into counter-apologetics. My whole life I mostly only ever heard arguments in the positive for the Christian faith and brushed off everything contrary as foolishness, but now I took them seriously. Starting with the classic YouTube debates of wide acclaim (Hitchens, Craig, etc.) I eventually found my way to the concept of historical criticism (Erhman, Mythvision) which really shook my foundations in a way I had not expected. Things like the problem of evil/suffering or the problem of (ECT) hell had always bothered me (and still do), but wondering about the veracity of one of my main sources of truth was difficult to bear. I also encountered a number of individuals who had experienced much of the faith but had left (Paulogia, Pinecreek). These encounters, upon reflection, were equally troubling as they raised the question; why do some people who seem to seek not get an answer? (And further, what if that is me? The usual divine hiddenness thing). I asked family and friends (most all believers, which makes the questioning more difficult) about how they hear from God and, to be honest, their answers were mostly unhelpful to me. How can one differentiate it from merely their own inner voice and their own confirmation biases? Further, the arguments of those who have left the faith are difficult to refute and challenged my standing even further. At this point, the part of me that sought absolution felt that it had succeeded and the cumulative case (veracity, problem of suffering, hiddenness, etc.) was well established and I was free from worry; but in short order, as you may imagine, this lead to dread: deep, existential fear, thoughts of death and the void. If my foundations were gone, then everything is suddenly pointless and panic of a very visceral and debilitating nature ensues. I read Tolstoy’s “Confession” and resonated strongly with it, particularly the description of his own realization of a similar sort (the dragon at the bottom of the pit). This left me at probably the lowest point I’ve been at in my life.
It was around this time that I encountered your work and the work of others like you. I had still been making the rounds on YouTube, going through the works of CosmicSkeptic, among others of a similar sort, and thus eventually made my way to folks like you, Joe Schmidt, and Dr. Rasmussen. For the first time in months, I felt hope again. I had not regained the place in my faith from before or anything so dramatic, but some of the arguments I encountered and more importantly the empathy and genuine, hopeful, truth-seeking made me feel that I might be able to believe again. Despite all that I had encountered thus far, this was a ray of hope that pierced the darkness. I was able to return to some normalcy in my life for a bit and escape the cycle of tormenting thoughts and obsessive contemplation. This also allowed me to take a break from obsessively consuming content on the subject (and actually get things done in my life) and thus my break from your channel for a bit too.
I’m writing to you now because it has been on my mind to do so since this all occurred. We share a name and are pretty close in age as well and to me that is reason enough to seek some wisdom from a fellow philosopher. I am still often wracked with waves of existential anxiety as well as the new familial/social issues that arise when questioning your belief structure (the one that everyone you know subscribes to). You may or may not be familiar with the phenomenon, but I honestly regret revealing this struggle to those close to me as it feels like I have inflicted a hardship upon them and now there is always a slight edge of confrontation. Anyway, I know you are not a therapist and especially not my therapist, I would simply like to ask for any advice or wisdom you may have for someone like me. I realize that this is a lot, so don’t feel like you must answer or anything, just know that I would appreciate any words of encouragement or wisdom for someone struggling in this way. If any part of this strikes you as interesting, I’ve started writing more on the experience and would be willing to share it as well.
Finally, to accurately fit the mandate of your mailing address, I’ve tried to include something cool. Find attached a photo of a bird from my garden.
Kind Regards, Parker Ramsey