- Today when discussing the merits (or lack thereof) of voting Josh said something to me to the effect of: “Too bad you have obligations; you’re a creation and not your own” in reply to my musing that maybe I just don’t like being obligated to do X (voting). Regardless, I kinda hate this thought terminating line of thinking.
- A note from a sermon today (2024/11/10); the pastor says that God does not need us (which is likely true), but it’s weird in the context of Hell
- And Paul says that we are so loved by God that nothing can separate us from His love; what about hell?
- There are things I’ve yet to discuss, but I think I can build out a skeleton here:
- My girlfriend is currently wavering or uncertain of our relationship basically because I won’t put out.
- She claims a lack of compatibility basically because I am not horny all the time
- She seems to think that even if everything else is good, if I don’t desire to ravage her all the time, it might not work
- She has deep insecurity and wrongly thinks that I am constantly seeking an alternative to her
- She has yet to seek therapy about this
- I think it is related to her last relationship
- She imposes a huge double standard, easily joking about guys she might like to be with or “hiring out” since I won’t have sex with her; but were I to say anything remotely like this, she would be super angry
- She has literally gotten pissy because I mentioned thinking blue eyes were cool (she has brown) and implied I should just go find a girl with blue eyes instead.
- Another conversation about this has occurred 12/5/24
- She says:
- I spend too much time on hobbies (I get new one and get obsessed with them for a few weeks )
- I have too much going on
- She wants a man who wouldn’t go on a solo trip because he wants to spend time with her so much
- She’s unhappy with my not having figured out belief stuff
- She doesn’t like that I care / worry about how it affects my family relationships
- She thinks a conversation about belief I had with my sister post-Boston caused me to be less passionate towards her
- She said I haven’t said I loved her, which is a problem
- Brought up the fact that I didn’t wait for her to decorate again
- Brought up the solo trip thing again
- The main gist is that she doesn’t think I actually like her.
- The source of this seems to be that I’m not passionate which I think mostly means that I’m not having sex with her
- She asserts that she doesn’t know what a future with me would look like
- Fears that I would have no passion (and only ever have sex to have kids )
- She can’t seem to articulate what I’m doing wrong, it’s just a vibe thing for the most part
- Sometimes the brain fog / lack of sleep / OCD-like mind behaviors lead to obsessive thoughts about (or in relation to) fear of Emotional Contamination
- That being that there is a fear of associating some sexual or otherwise gross/shameful thought to something that I care about
- It feels somewhat like rumination in the way it just is there in my mind